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The politically correct version of the famous Battle of Trafalgar

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability”. “What gobbledygook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us steel the men before battle.”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. Well, I suppose we’d better get on with it. Hoist the mainsail and let’s have full speed ahead.”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot limit in this stretch of water, sir.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Give me a report from the crow’s nest.”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”

Hardy: “He’s busy constructing a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”

Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.”

Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye, and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew climb the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny.”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not going to sink them”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ships racial diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a charge for sure.”

Nelson: “But you must consider any man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules.”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained sir, rum is off the menu, and there’s also a ban on corporal punishment.”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “I believe it is to be encouraged, sir.”

Nelson: “In that case …kiss me, Hardy.”

2 comments on “The politically correct version of the famous Battle of Trafalgar

Svetlana Voreskova

Ha ha: I was thinking of doing a new “Fiona the Feminist” story recently and this makes me want to make her invent a time-machine and go back battling the patriarchy at various momentous events in history.

I assume they would not have been able to fire upon the French anyway because surely PC Royal Navy Ships would not have guns. Loud bangs might trigger the crew.


A conversation between Fiona and Joan of Arc would be interesting!

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